I don't think I've ever been held truly accountable for anything in my life. I can pull up countless examples from my childhood. For example, I once cut a set of my mother's drapes. I was probably in late elementary school or even junior high. I knew I shouldn't have, but I did anyway. Afterwards, my mother noticed and she knew it was me. She asked me about it, and I denied it. I don't know to this day why I cut them, but I denied it masterfully. Denied, denied, denied. I don't think I was punished.
Later in junior high, I punched the bully who was always making fun of me and my mother in the face. He retaliated by hitting me in the gut. I lied, claimed he started it, and got him suspended for a week. That should have been me. It happened in front of the whole class. I have no idea how I got away with that. It was stone cold wrong. I should have been punished.
In high school I made a home-made pipe-bomb (this was pre columbine and 9/11 and all that) that blew up in my face. I got shrapnel in my face. I needed plastic surgery. I have a scar to this day, and I lied my ass off about how it happened. The story wasn't even plausible. Again. No punishment.
I wrote a term paper for a kid in high school. I got busted by the teacher. I got a an F for the 9 weeks, an A for the other 9 weeks and an A on the final, and I pulled a C. 2 years later I went to the teacher and told him I had been a model student - the truth - and asked him to fix it. He changed the F to a B or an A, and I got an A for the semester. Unbelievable. How ballsy! How completely wrong! Do children face any consequences in this world? I don't even remember any significant punishment from my parents. I think the fact that I didn't do much prevented them from punishing me.
These are just the examples I can think of off the top of my head. I have never faced consequences for anything. I think this fuels a sense of invincibility when I am doing wrong.
Truth: There are consequences for actions. Even if no person knows about what you did. God knows. Karma knows.
Truth: I am not a lone individual interacting with a bunch of amorphous blobs. These are real people on this Earth. My interactions with them have meaning to them and affect me. This includes my wife.
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5 comments:
The greatest consequences of my actions have come from myself. Like you, I have lied my ass off to "stay out of trouble" and most of the time, came out smelling like a rose. But after years of lieing, cheating and deceiving others ... I have also lost sight of who I am or even who I want to be. I just know I don't want to be a lying manipulator. But, of course, I still don't want to get into trouble.
it's called, "falling thru the cracks." without accountability, much can go wayward. good thing you recognize it. take responsibility for your actions from this day forward. dammit...do i sound like a preacher, teacher, or what???
You're a man, and if you are white, it explains everything-you are soaking in privilege, hence why you were not held accountable for many things.
Just checking in to say hi and wish you well on your recovery.
In other words ... holding you accountable to your blog readers who are interested in knowing how you are doing. :)
Hey John,
Your blog is really good. You have a good knack for writing. I think you should keep it going. You have a good talent for describing your past. I can definitely relate to the early uses of porn and the part about the Ho phone was hilarious. I hope to read more from you soon.
Sans
PS. Here's my own blog if you want to check it out americansexaddict.blogspot.com
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